So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
