Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
