bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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