I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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