Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
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