I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
40s are totally the cure
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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