Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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