i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
