Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
