The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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