there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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