My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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