I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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