matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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