Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
