While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
