I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
