He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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