I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
