At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
