I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
