i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
