The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
