i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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