i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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