i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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