I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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