Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize
