apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
