Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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