You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
