Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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