So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
