well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
