you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
