And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
