Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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