help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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