I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I AM VODKA MAN
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
