She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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