I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
