A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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