What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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