I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
