i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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