Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
