I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I think people are normalizing furries
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
