I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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