I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
