Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
