Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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