I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
But theres a keg here and me gusta
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
