the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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