You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
