capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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