if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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