I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
