Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
