just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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