I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize