OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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